There’s a lot to love at the bottom of the Chrotchtangle this round. The first match is a tale of two upsets: Olympic skier Magnus Moan defeated Skylar Stormo in Round 1, while #14 upstart Ram Amandeep took out 3-seed Champion Jointer. Real talk: the deciding factor in this round will be a question of how many people are still wringing cheap chuckles out of Ram Amandeep.
The final Round 2 runoff sees Leo Moses Spornstarr facing his first real competition in the form of Carlton Crunk. Both names are winners, but one must lose. Who will it be?
The Sweet Sixteen begins next week. Follow us on Twitter!
It was a dark and stormy night…for Fancy English, Jr., at least. The Chrotchtangle Regional’s #1 seed is in for a rainy, windy battle against #9 seed Hurricane Weathers. Fancy’s victory over Patron Steele was little more than a formality, but he’s now up for a real challenge against the Florida man who vanquished Sparkle McKnight. Go on, Fancy. Make dad proud.
In our second matchup, Mister Love will try to become the second double-digit seed to book a place in the Sweet Sixteen. Mr. Love is not quite 2009 frontrunner Nutritious Love, but he’s set for a potentially deep run after knocking off Bonanza Sharp in Round 1. Of course, he’ll have to get past Fitzroy Waffley, who comfortably strolled past Mythius Gaither in his last matchup and still has the word “waffle” embedded in his last name.
After chalk ruled the Dragonwagon, the Chrotchtangle was marked by upsets left and right.
As we expected, #16 Patron Steele was no match for #1 Fancy English, Jr.
#9 Hurricane Weathers stormed past #8 Sparkle McKnight
#12 Mister Love pulled a comfortable upset over #5 Bonanza Sharp.
#4 Fitzroy Waffley closed his iron on #13 Mythius Gaither.
#11 Magnus Moan also emerged from his matchup as an upset victor, defeating #6 Skylar Stormo
#14 Ram Amandeep pulled off one final upset, dropping #3 Champion Jointer. We really think you guys got that one wrong.
#7 Carlton Crunk topped #10 Flavius Walter Winsted. YEAH!
The last matchup of the first round was also the most decisive. Poor #15 Junior Lomomba barely managed to reach a double-digit vote count as he was absolutely pantsed by #2 Leo Moses Spornstarr. Leo looks to be a strong contender going into round 2, which begins tomorrow in the Bulltron.
Today’s contestants are the last of this year’s crop; from here, the playing field will only narrow.
First up is Carlton Crunk of Texas. We don’t know much about Carlton. With any luck, he wears a mullet — his name puts business in the front and party in the back. Personally, I can’t get over the image of one of TV’s most buttoned-up characters blowing off steam. A lot of steam.
As Sam mentioned yesterday, we at NOTY are flooded with emails, tweets, and suggestions that point us to names that amount to little more than obvious sex jokes — your Dick Pounds, your B.J. Cummings, your Long Wangs. We’ve become numb to this sort of easy gag; it takes something special for a dirty name to bring light to our jaded eyes. In this regard, Northwestern WildcatLeo Moses Spornstarr has all the right intangibles. Innocuous start, religious figure, and then BOOM. It sneaks up on you.
Spornstarr’s opponent is Viking-turned-FriarJunior Lomomba. Junior, who plays small forward on the Providence College basketball team, is actually a sophomore. He’s “known as a physical player and strong on-ball defender.” On both these fronts, we can’t help but ask: more than a Spornstarr?
With that, we’ve officially introduced all our contenders. As always, voting ends Sunday at midnight. Next week, we’ll get started on Round 2, beginning in the Bulltron. Name on!
Two alliterative titans battle in our first matchup of the day. Six seed Skylar Stormo recently graduated from Washington State University, where he was a starting defensive end on the football team. Skylar played 36 games in his first three years before leaving the team as a senior. We’re not sure why Skylar chose to call it quits, though we presume he was too busy saving the world (or plotting to destroy it). As far as meteorological monikers go, Hurricane Weathersis nice, but we applaud Skylar’s parents for not cheating and creatively pairing an existing first name with his rainy bloodline.
Skylar is up against Magnus Moan. Magnus is our second entrant from Norway. A Lillehammer native, he picked up two medals at the 2006 Turin Olympics for his exploits as a Nordic combined skier. We would’ve fancied him a weightlifter, but it doesn’t matter. We’re cuckoo about his name, and you should be, too.
Will Skylar Stormo or Magnus Moan move on? The poll is open!
Up next is 3 seed Champion Jointer of Tennessee. He is not an antiquated woodworking device but rather a music executive who “manage[s] some of the hottest upcoming Indie Artists out of the Mid South.” No matter his place in the world, Champion should always rest easy knowing that there is no one out there who joints better than he does.
His opponent is Ram Amandeep, a New York City cabbie who we hope spends his time cruising for fares in the Meatpacking District. Ram is another candidate gaining steam among the people, but there’s a reason we made him a 14 seed. We get it. His name is also a description of penetrative anal sex. But there’s more to life than lewd, sophomoric jokes, right? Plus, that’s what we have Pornsak Pongthong for.
We have vowed to stay as impartial as possible, but I must openly root for Champion Jointer. Whether you agree with me or wish to defy my executive preference by choosing Ram Amandeep, you can exercise your right to vote below.
We begin today with our final one seed, North Carolina resident Fancy English Jr. We couldn’t find a ton of information on Junior, but a 40 year old newspaper article and a more recent wedding notice for his son confirm his existence. Unfortunately, that son’s name is DeVane, not Fancy III; perhaps Fancy knew when choosing a name that his son was destined to split too many infinitives or dangle too many participles to properly carry on the Fancy English line.
Little English’s first round opponent is Patron Steele of Ohio. Your mileage may vary on this one. If you believe Mr. Steele’s first name is pronounced Pay-trin, you may not be so impressed. If you instead think Patron is pronounced like the tequila brand, he then continues a long Name of the Year tradition of contestants named after types of liquor. We’ve previously sung the praises of 2005 champion Tanqueray Beavers and 2011 runner-up Courvoisier Winetavius Richardson. Patron isn’t on that level, but he’s in the building.
Will Fancy English Jr. properly dot his i’s and cross his t’s against Patron Steele? The choice is yours.
The last of our 8 vs. 9 slugfests pits Sparkle McKnight against Hurricane Weathers. Sparkle, the slightly higher seed, is a recent grad of the University of Arkansas, where she dazzled as one of the state’s best sprinters. During the 2013 season, her Razorbacks were one of the best teams in the country, and she picked up a national championship as one of the four legs of a triumphant 4×400 relay squad. Her quest to add a Name of the Year victory to her impressive resume begins now.
As for Hurricane, he reportedly lives in Florida, where hurricane weathers are somewhat of a status quo. I don’t think that makes his name any less exciting.
Can Hurricane Weathers storm past Sparkle McKnight, or will the sprinter shine? Decide below.