Category Archives: 2013 Dragonwagon Regional

Final Four: #1 Pornsak Pongthong vs. #2 McWisdom Badejo, #4 Smokey Don Pipes vs. #2 Leo Moses Spornstarr

This is it. This is the week we’ve all been waiting for. The Final Four begins today, with the Final commencing on Thursday. GET HYPE…AND FOLLOW US ON TWITTER.

For a while, it seemed as if Pornsak Pongthong wouldn’t make it past the monumental challenge of Yolanda Squatpump. Ultimately, he was able to outlast her and become the Bulltron Regional’s Final Four representative. As the sole one seed remaining in the field, Pornsak has to be considered the odds-on favorite to emerge victorious.

That being said, each entrant in the Final Four has proved his name to be elite, and no favorite is safe. In order to make the final, Pornsak will have to get past McWisdom Badejo, who beat Baby Swinger in the Elite Eight and won the Sithole Regional. McWisdom has already toppled one top seed; will he make it two? Which athlete will prevail?

On the other side of the bracket, Smokey Don Pipes was able to move on thanks to the closest match of our tournament, which ended in a tie and had to be decided in a 90-minute overtime. Smokey Don’s victory is a reminder that every vote counts. If our overtime voters had preferred Leila Bossy-Nobs‘ chuckle-inducing last name to her opponent’s mellifluous moniker, the Frenchwoman would have completed an improbable run to the Final Four. Instead, Smokey Don represents the Dragonwagon Regional.

He is up against Leo Moses Spornstarr, who emerged victorious by a healthy margin over one-seed Fancy English, Jr. and will represent the Chrotchtangle Regional in the Final Four. Leo is one of three Final Four contestants aged 26 or younger; has NOTY become a young man’s game? Will Leo’s youth lead the way against the decidedly riper Smokey? You decide forthwith.

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Filed under 2013 Bulltron Regional, 2013 Chrotchtangle Regional, 2013 Dragonwagon Regional, 2013 Sithole Regional

Please Welcome Your 2013 Name of the Year Final Four

Wow.

It took four incredibly close battles, but we have our Final Four. One matchup came down to a single vote, and another was tied at midnight and had to be decided in overtime.

Pornsak Pongthong hadn’t been remotely challenged before taking on Yolanda Squatpump, and early voting had him behind the Usual Suspects crew member. Not to be outdone, Pornsak pulled off a classic March Madness comeback (in November), stormed past Squatpump, and took the victory by 22 votes. He’s the last one seed standing.

At our usual midnight endpoint, Smokey Don Pipes and Leila Bossy-Nobs were dead even. 230 votes for the Oklahoman criminal, 230 votes for the French scientist. By 1:30, Leila’s vote count remained stagnant, but Smokey Don had picked up another four votes, garnering him the perhaps the most nail-biting, hard-won victory of the year and the chance to represent the Dragonwagon in the Final Four. Leila, you will be dearly missed.

Leo Moses Spornstarr had the most decisive victory of the Elite Eight, easily outpacing top seeded Fancy English, Jr. by a margin of 92 votes. We’re sad to see Fancy go, but a penchant for impeccable grammar will hopefully live on.

Finally, basketball player McWisdom Badejo pulled off the NOTY version of a buzzer beater, topping Baby Swinger by a single vote. Badejo fans will cherish this victory for their entire lives, while Swinger supporters will hastily change the channel whenever the matchup is rebroadcast on ESPN Classic.

The Final Four will run from Monday to Thursday. On Friday, the final will begin. Right now we’re planning on letting it run through Sunday, though perhaps we will extend it a couple days to be thorough. You can help us out by voting at this most critical moment.

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Filed under 2013 Bulltron Regional, 2013 Chrotchtangle Regional, 2013 Dragonwagon Regional, 2013 Sithole Regional

Dragonwagon/Chrotchtangle Regionals, Elite Eight: #4 Smokey Don Pipes vs. #7 Leila Bossy-Nobs, #1 Fancy English, Jr. vs. #2 Leo Moses Spornstarr

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We’ve got two potential nail-biters on today’s docket, folks, as well we should; two coveted Final Four slots are on the line.

Repping the north side of the Dragonwagon: the soothing sounds of #4 Smokey Don Pipes, Oklahoma shooting suspect, who steamrolled Dr. Suparman Marzuki and Twollie Vanderwerf in past rounds. He’s up against 7-seeded intergalactic warlord-queen Leila Bossy-Nobs, the nanoparticle researcher who vanquished Sincere Shears, Jackmeoff Mudd, and Fang Man. Each already has an impressive collection of trophies; which contestant will end the week on the other’s mantelpiece?


Trouble’s brewing down in the Chrotchtangle, as well. Top-seeded bank robber Fancy English, Jr. is a force to be reckoned with: more powerful than a Hurricane, tastier on the tongue than Waffles. Still, Leo Moses Spornstarr remains the man who claimed the bounty on rogue 14-seed Ram Amandeep. Don’t be fooled by the low seeding — Amandeep was a fan favorite, an anti-hero, a people’s champion. Now he’s a message: you don’t mess with a Spornstarr.


That’s it for this week. We’ll give you until Sunday to vote for the winners. After that: the Final Four, then the title match. The end is nigh.

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Filed under 2013 Dragonwagon Regional, 2013 Sithole Regional

Sweet Sixteen Results

We thinned our flock by half again this week. Gone are the lazy days of warmer months: the competition is getting fiercer as we separate ever more chaff from the wheat in search of the cream of this year’s crop. If I could work in a fourth agricultural metaphor, I would.

In the Bulltron regional:

#1 Pornsak Pongthong smoked 13-seed Marijuana Warr. I’ve been waiting two rounds to make that joke. It feels anticlimactic.

#2 Yolanda Squatpump barreled through #6 Dr. David L. Dickensheets. Pongthong/Squatpump should be a banner match this week.

In the Sithole regional:

Top-seeded Baby Swinger was down at the beginning of the week but rallied in the end for a close come-from-behind victory over #5 Norman Conquest.

2-seed McWisdom Badejo defeated #6 Pooky Amsterdam.

The Dragonwagon Regional was full of upsets:

#4 Smokey Don Pipes took down 1-seed Dr. Suparman Marzuki like a dimebag of Kryptonite. I am elated.

7-seeded Leila Bossy-Nobs‘ momentum hasn’t let up one bit; challenger #3 Sincere Shears fell far short of securing a place in the Elite Eight.

In the Chrotchtangle regional:

Top-seeded Fancy English, Jr. overcame #4 Fitzroy Waffley without much trouble.

In another come-from-behind victory, #2 Leo Moses Spornstarr dispatched 14-seed Ram Amandeep. Don’t scare me like that again.

There are no longer enough matches per round to fill an entire week. We’ll continue apace with the Elite Eight — two matchups tomorrow and two on Tuesday — but then we’ll leave you until the end of the week to get your votes in. As always, keep up with us on Twitter.

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Filed under 2013 Bulltron Regional, 2013 Chrotchtangle Regional, 2013 Dragonwagon Regional, 2013 Sithole Regional

Dragonwagon Regional, Sweet Sixteen: #1 Dr. Suparman Marzuki vs. #4 Smokey Don Pipes, #3 Sincere Shears vs. #10 Leila Bossy-Nobs

We’re halfway through the Sweet Sixteen! That was fast. Here’s our Twitter.

Four seed Smokey Don Pipes may be the nominal underdog in our first matchup of the day, but the Oklahoman has looked like a top contender through two rounds. After a round one walk, he pasted Twollie Vanderwerf last week in a one-sided wout. His Sweet Sixteen opponent, Dr. Suparman Marzuki, took down Dusty Rust in his last matchup, but the Indonesian politician is in for a dogfight this time around. I’m half-expecting him to fly backwards around the Earth a couple times so he can spam the site with votes for Twollie.

Elsewhere, Leila Bossy-Nobs will try to become the first double digit seed to make this year’s Elite Eight after her shocking defeat of Jackmeoff Mudd. I’m on the record as a huge fan of hers, so I’m glad to see her spring a pair of upsets. That being said, I won’t be unhappy if she falls to Sincere Shears, who won a tough battle last round against strong six seed Gorby Loreus. May the best name win.

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Dragonwagon/Chrotchtangle Round 2 Results, Updated Bracket

Click to enlarge.

Click to enlarge.

First order of business: the battlefield has grown bloodier since we began Round 2. The survivors are shown above.

Here’s the Dragonwagon postgame:

Top-seeded Dr. Suparman Marzuki vanquished another foe. Another one bites the Dusty Rust.

#4 Don Pipes smoked his competition, 5-seed Twollie Vanderwerf. Happy twails, Twollie.

6-seed Gorby Loreus was toppled by #3 Boris Yeltsin Sincere Shears.

Finally, 7-seed Leila Bossy-Nobs upset 2-seed Jackmeoff Mudd. Sam and I are actually ecstatic about this. Given the strength of the voter response to easy grins like Ram Amandeep and Marijuana Warr, we had feared at the beginning that Jackmeoff might win his region (and perhaps the entire tourney) with a bullet. This week, you proved you’re better than that. You did it, you guys. We did it.

In the Chrotch:

1-seed Fancy English, Jr. rocked Mr. Weathers like a Hurricane.

14-seed Ram Amandeep, purveyor of the grins mentioned above, upset 11-seed Magnus Moan.

In the week’s closest matchup, #4 Fitzroy Waffley squeaked by upstart 12-seed Mister Love.

Finally, 2-seed Leo Moses Spornstarr won out over #7 Carlton Crunk.

Sweet Sixteen tomorrow. Get ready.

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Dragonwagon Regional Round 2: #6 Gorby Loreus vs. #3 Sincere Shears, #10 Leila Bossy-Nobs vs. #2 Jackmeoff Mudd

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This week, DragWag 3-seed Sincere Shears is up against erstwhile Middle Tennessee defensive end Gorby Loreus (#6). Shears is ranked higher, but the marvelous mellifluity of Gorby Loreus makes an upset a very real possibility. Who will go on?


Today’s other matchup should also be contentious. Leila Bossy-Nobs‘ first-round rout of Fang Man, who had the support of the commentariat, indicates that she may have further victories in store — even against a heavy such as #2 Jackmeoff Mudd, whose margin of victory over 15-seed Onochie Ochie could be seen as surprisingly slim. Are Leila’s nobs bossy enough?


Tomorrow, we Chrotchtangle. Tweet at us.

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