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Dragonwagon/Chrotchtangle Regionals, Elite Eight: #4 Smokey Don Pipes vs. #7 Leila Bossy-Nobs, #1 Fancy English, Jr. vs. #2 Leo Moses Spornstarr

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We’ve got two potential nail-biters on today’s docket, folks, as well we should; two coveted Final Four slots are on the line.

Repping the north side of the Dragonwagon: the soothing sounds of #4 Smokey Don Pipes, Oklahoma shooting suspect, who steamrolled Dr. Suparman Marzuki and Twollie Vanderwerf in past rounds. He’s up against 7-seeded intergalactic warlord-queen Leila Bossy-Nobs, the nanoparticle researcher who vanquished Sincere Shears, Jackmeoff Mudd, and Fang Man. Each already has an impressive collection of trophies; which contestant will end the week on the other’s mantelpiece?


Trouble’s brewing down in the Chrotchtangle, as well. Top-seeded bank robber Fancy English, Jr. is a force to be reckoned with: more powerful than a Hurricane, tastier on the tongue than Waffles. Still, Leo Moses Spornstarr remains the man who claimed the bounty on rogue 14-seed Ram Amandeep. Don’t be fooled by the low seeding — Amandeep was a fan favorite, an anti-hero, a people’s champion. Now he’s a message: you don’t mess with a Spornstarr.


That’s it for this week. We’ll give you until Sunday to vote for the winners. After that: the Final Four, then the title match. The end is nigh.

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Chrotchtangle Regional, Sweet Sixteen: #1 Fancy English, Jr. vs. #4 Fitzroy Waffley, #14 Ram Amandeep vs. #2 Leo Moses Spornstarr

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The first of the Sweet Sixteen survivors in the Chrotchtangle is Fancy English, Jr., who knocked over a North Carolina bank in the seventies. In my mind’s eye, Fancy was the most genteel bank robber ever to hit the American South. He’s up against another noble name, Sir Fitzroy Waffley (he’s not actually a knight), who edged out Mister Love in the last round. Which will advance to the Elite Eight?


Meanwhile, Ram Amandeep has come far; he’s fresh off of two consecutive upsets. We admit he’s got pluck for a 14-seed. But his time may have run out; #2 Leo Moses Spornstarr tolerates no false idols.

And that’s the end of the Sweet Sixteen — we’re really getting down to the nitty gritty, people. Polls close on Sunday night as usual.

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Chrotchtangle Regional Round 2: #1 Fancy English, Jr. vs. #9 Hurricane Weathers, #12 Mister Love vs. #4 Fitzroy Waffley

It was a dark and stormy night…for Fancy English, Jr., at least. The Chrotchtangle Regional’s #1 seed is in for a rainy, windy battle against #9 seed Hurricane Weathers. Fancy’s victory over Patron Steele was little more than a formality, but he’s now up for a real challenge against the Florida man who vanquished Sparkle McKnight. Go on, Fancy. Make dad proud.

In our second matchup, Mister Love will try to become the second double-digit seed to book a place in the Sweet Sixteen. Mr. Love is not quite 2009 frontrunner Nutritious Love, but he’s set for a potentially deep run after knocking off Bonanza Sharp in Round 1. Of course, he’ll have to get past Fitzroy Waffley, who comfortably strolled past Mythius Gaither in his last matchup and still has the word “waffle” embedded in his last name.

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Chrotchtangle Regional, Round 1: #1 Fancy English, Jr. vs. #16 Patron Steele, #8 Sparkle McKnight vs. #9 Hurricane Weathers

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We’re ready for the start!

(Psst…follow us on Twitter)

(*ahem*)

Aaaaand they’re off in the Chrotchtangle!

We begin today with our final one seed, North Carolina resident Fancy English Jr. We couldn’t find a ton of information on Junior, but a 40 year old newspaper article and a more recent wedding notice for his son confirm his existence. Unfortunately, that son’s name is DeVane, not Fancy III; perhaps Fancy knew when choosing a name that his son was destined to split too many infinitives or dangle too many participles to properly carry on the Fancy English line.

Little English’s first round opponent is Patron Steele of Ohio. Your mileage may vary on this one. If you believe Mr. Steele’s first name is pronounced Pay-trin, you may not be so impressed. If you instead think Patron is pronounced like the tequila brand, he then continues a long Name of the Year tradition of contestants named after types of liquor. We’ve previously sung the praises of 2005 champion Tanqueray Beavers and 2011 runner-up Courvoisier Winetavius Richardson. Patron isn’t on that level, but he’s in the building.

Will Fancy English Jr. properly dot his i’s and cross his t’s against Patron Steele? The choice is yours.

The last of our 8 vs. 9 slugfests pits Sparkle McKnight against Hurricane Weathers. Sparkle, the slightly higher seed, is a recent grad of the University of Arkansas, where she dazzled as one of the state’s best sprinters. During the 2013 season, her Razorbacks were one of the best teams in the country, and she picked up a national championship as one of the four legs of a triumphant 4×400 relay squad. Her quest to add a Name of the Year victory to her impressive resume begins now.

As for Hurricane, he reportedly lives in Florida, where hurricane weathers are somewhat of a status quo. I don’t think that makes his name any less exciting.

Can Hurricane Weathers storm past Sparkle McKnight, or will the sprinter shine? Decide below.

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