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Dragonwagon/Chrotchtangle Regionals, Elite Eight: #4 Smokey Don Pipes vs. #7 Leila Bossy-Nobs, #1 Fancy English, Jr. vs. #2 Leo Moses Spornstarr

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We’ve got two potential nail-biters on today’s docket, folks, as well we should; two coveted Final Four slots are on the line.

Repping the north side of the Dragonwagon: the soothing sounds of #4 Smokey Don Pipes, Oklahoma shooting suspect, who steamrolled Dr. Suparman Marzuki and Twollie Vanderwerf in past rounds. He’s up against 7-seeded intergalactic warlord-queen Leila Bossy-Nobs, the nanoparticle researcher who vanquished Sincere Shears, Jackmeoff Mudd, and Fang Man. Each already has an impressive collection of trophies; which contestant will end the week on the other’s mantelpiece?


Trouble’s brewing down in the Chrotchtangle, as well. Top-seeded bank robber Fancy English, Jr. is a force to be reckoned with: more powerful than a Hurricane, tastier on the tongue than Waffles. Still, Leo Moses Spornstarr remains the man who claimed the bounty on rogue 14-seed Ram Amandeep. Don’t be fooled by the low seeding — Amandeep was a fan favorite, an anti-hero, a people’s champion. Now he’s a message: you don’t mess with a Spornstarr.


That’s it for this week. We’ll give you until Sunday to vote for the winners. After that: the Final Four, then the title match. The end is nigh.

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Dragonwagon Regional, Sweet Sixteen: #1 Dr. Suparman Marzuki vs. #4 Smokey Don Pipes, #3 Sincere Shears vs. #10 Leila Bossy-Nobs

We’re halfway through the Sweet Sixteen! That was fast. Here’s our Twitter.

Four seed Smokey Don Pipes may be the nominal underdog in our first matchup of the day, but the Oklahoman has looked like a top contender through two rounds. After a round one walk, he pasted Twollie Vanderwerf last week in a one-sided wout. His Sweet Sixteen opponent, Dr. Suparman Marzuki, took down Dusty Rust in his last matchup, but the Indonesian politician is in for a dogfight this time around. I’m half-expecting him to fly backwards around the Earth a couple times so he can spam the site with votes for Twollie.

Elsewhere, Leila Bossy-Nobs will try to become the first double digit seed to make this year’s Elite Eight after her shocking defeat of Jackmeoff Mudd. I’m on the record as a huge fan of hers, so I’m glad to see her spring a pair of upsets. That being said, I won’t be unhappy if she falls to Sincere Shears, who won a tough battle last round against strong six seed Gorby Loreus. May the best name win.

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Dragonwagon Regional Round 2: #6 Gorby Loreus vs. #3 Sincere Shears, #10 Leila Bossy-Nobs vs. #2 Jackmeoff Mudd

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This week, DragWag 3-seed Sincere Shears is up against erstwhile Middle Tennessee defensive end Gorby Loreus (#6). Shears is ranked higher, but the marvelous mellifluity of Gorby Loreus makes an upset a very real possibility. Who will go on?


Today’s other matchup should also be contentious. Leila Bossy-Nobs‘ first-round rout of Fang Man, who had the support of the commentariat, indicates that she may have further victories in store — even against a heavy such as #2 Jackmeoff Mudd, whose margin of victory over 15-seed Onochie Ochie could be seen as surprisingly slim. Are Leila’s nobs bossy enough?


Tomorrow, we Chrotchtangle. Tweet at us.

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Dragonwagon Regional, Round 1: #7 Leila Bossy-Nobs vs. #10 Fang Man, #2 Jackmeoff Mudd vs. #15 Onochie Ochie

Obligatory Twitter plug.

I begin today’s slate with a confession: Out of all the names in our feed, only one cracks me up every time I say it out loud. That name isn’t any of our #1 seeds, nor is it Sheepshanks or Spornstarr or Squatpump (OK, fine, Squatpump fits that bill as well). Nay, the name that causes me the most regular giggle fits is none other than Dragonwagon #7 Leila Bossy-Nobs. I couldn’t tell you why the ostensibly French biomedical engineer‘s name makes me snigger like a fourth grader, but reading her name makes me cover my mouth so the other patrons of whatever cafe/library/sandwich shop I’m in won’t realize just how much of a weirdo I actually am.

At any rate, whenever I think kids these days are too compliant with their nobs, I turn to Leila. Wear those Bossy-Nobs with pride, girl!

Leila is fighting a tough battle this week. Her opponent is Fang Man, who is neither fanged nor a man. Instead, she is a Chinese-born composer who has been described “inventive and breathtaking” by the New York Times. Judging from Twitter, several of you are similarly impressed with Mrs. Man, making her a prime upset candidate. I’ll admit that I’m not so bullish on her, since I’d guess there are several Fang Men gnashing their teeth all over China. Of course, should your votes declare her the winner, I will have to shut up and deal.

Will Fang Man give Leila Bossy-Nobs a fatal bite? Decide below.

Our second matchup of the day begins with two seed Jackmeoff Mudd. There are two possible realities for how Jackmeoff came to possess his masturbatory first name, and I’m not sure which one I like better. In one timeline, Jackmeoff is the son of the two worst parents in the world, who give him a brutal name perhaps as a way of hardening him for the harsh realities of the life. In the other scenario, he legally changes his name to have it become an expression of how few fucks he gives. While we generally frown upon name changes, a man willing to change his name to Jackmeoff possesses enough Insanity Wolf to make us admire his fearlessness.

In contrast to Jackmeoff’s intimidating glare, his opponent’s press photo displays a wide, bright smile. 15 seed Onochie Ochie is the son of two professors, a regular churchgoer, and a college basketball player who chose to attend Southeastern Louisiana because of its “great family atmosphere”. Add an immensely fun name to the profile, and you get a young man whom I would definitely choose to hang out with over his opponent. I’ll even forgive him for being a Miami Heat fan.

Will Jackmeoff reach his climax against Onochie? That’s up to you.

As usual, voting ends on Sunday. Tell your friends!

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