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Leo Moses Spornstarr is Your 2013 Name of the Year

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A champion has finally been named.

Okay, if you’re into semantics, Leo Moses Spornstarr was named twenty-some years ago. But as a commenter pointed out, there is no prior Spornstarr line, no Spornstarr family crest, no awkward yearly gatherings of Spornstarrs. Our champ is a thoroughly modern creature, the product of the commendably egalitarian but hopelessly naive union of a Sporn and a Starr.

On second thought, perhaps it’s a mistake to conjecture that the portmanteau was an accident. Who are we to assume that Leo’s folks are anything other than delightfully droll jokesters who jumped at their one-in-a-million onomastic opportunity? Who are we to rule out the possibility that the hyphen-free mashup was a well-intentioned parenting tactic, a contemporary Boy-Named-Sue situation? Who are we, dear reader, to dismiss the idea that Ms. Sporn and Mr. Starr had ambitions for their son’s performance in this very tournament — which has after all been around longer than he has? However it came about, our Leo may be the only Spornstarr in the world. The only Spornstarr in history, even. We don’t know if he has siblings.

Let’s recap: the 2-seed out of the Chrotchtangle Regional manhandled #15 Junior Lomomba and crushed #7 Carlton Crunk. He dispatched upstart 14-seed Ram Amandeep in the Sweet Sixteen without much fuss, proving that the best way to take down a bawdy name is with another bawdy name. He brought down the top-seeded Fancy English, Jr. in the Elite Eight. In the final four, Smokey Don Pipes of the Dragonwagon went up in flames. And as of last night, Leo secured his place in the history books by vanquishing Bulltron powerhouse Pornsak Pongthong. Here’s to you, Leo.

(Sidenote: the one-point margin in the poll is artificially close; the actual differential is closer to 60 votes. Our analytics show that a lone rogue voter tried to inflate Pornsak’s score after midnight but before I closed the poll. Improbably and miraculously, I noticed just in time, with one vote left before the scales tipped. Ugly crisis of second-guessing legitimacy averted — but don’t do that, people. Play fair: one vote per voter.)

Aside from that unsavory hiccup, thank you all for following along, voting, and making our first shift at the helm of the tourney a rousing success. We’ll be back for March Madness in 2014. Name on.

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2013 Name of the Year Title Match: Pornsak Pongthong vs. Leo Moses Spornstarr

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Of course.

By our estimation McWisdom Badejo was an unlikely favorite, but he had a sizable cadre of supporters this round, nearly landing an upset against the fiercest Thai challenger this side of Ong-Bak. And Smokey Don Pipes, conqueror of Bossy-Nobs, had to grapple with giants to reach the summit of one of this year’s most competitive regions. Both are great names.

But this is the Internet, and the Internet is for porn. You, voter, have provided compelling evidence for the truism – the guts and glory of the past months aside, the fact is that the two names out of our 64 which contain a certain four-letter string are the two names left standing by popular consensus. Of course they are.

Not that they don’t deserve it. Pornsak and Spornstarr both have positively side-splitting names, and each has been shoved through a grueling onomastic wringer in his own region to emerge unscathed at the edge of the winner’s circle. So here it is, folks: the climax, the money shot, the pairing we’ve all been waiting for. The most exciting moment of 2013, some might say.

On the left: Pornsak Pongthong, Sriracha FC defensive midfielder.
On the right: Leo Moses Spornstarr, aspiring actuary.

Which will be 2013’s Name of the Year? The choice is yours.

Voting ends Sunday. Follow us on Twitter. Also, check out this statement from the original NOTY High Committee.

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Final Four: #1 Pornsak Pongthong vs. #2 McWisdom Badejo, #4 Smokey Don Pipes vs. #2 Leo Moses Spornstarr

This is it. This is the week we’ve all been waiting for. The Final Four begins today, with the Final commencing on Thursday. GET HYPE…AND FOLLOW US ON TWITTER.

For a while, it seemed as if Pornsak Pongthong wouldn’t make it past the monumental challenge of Yolanda Squatpump. Ultimately, he was able to outlast her and become the Bulltron Regional’s Final Four representative. As the sole one seed remaining in the field, Pornsak has to be considered the odds-on favorite to emerge victorious.

That being said, each entrant in the Final Four has proved his name to be elite, and no favorite is safe. In order to make the final, Pornsak will have to get past McWisdom Badejo, who beat Baby Swinger in the Elite Eight and won the Sithole Regional. McWisdom has already toppled one top seed; will he make it two? Which athlete will prevail?

On the other side of the bracket, Smokey Don Pipes was able to move on thanks to the closest match of our tournament, which ended in a tie and had to be decided in a 90-minute overtime. Smokey Don’s victory is a reminder that every vote counts. If our overtime voters had preferred Leila Bossy-Nobs‘ chuckle-inducing last name to her opponent’s mellifluous moniker, the Frenchwoman would have completed an improbable run to the Final Four. Instead, Smokey Don represents the Dragonwagon Regional.

He is up against Leo Moses Spornstarr, who emerged victorious by a healthy margin over one-seed Fancy English, Jr. and will represent the Chrotchtangle Regional in the Final Four. Leo is one of three Final Four contestants aged 26 or younger; has NOTY become a young man’s game? Will Leo’s youth lead the way against the decidedly riper Smokey? You decide forthwith.

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Filed under 2013 Bulltron Regional, 2013 Chrotchtangle Regional, 2013 Dragonwagon Regional, 2013 Sithole Regional

Dragonwagon/Chrotchtangle Regionals, Elite Eight: #4 Smokey Don Pipes vs. #7 Leila Bossy-Nobs, #1 Fancy English, Jr. vs. #2 Leo Moses Spornstarr

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We’ve got two potential nail-biters on today’s docket, folks, as well we should; two coveted Final Four slots are on the line.

Repping the north side of the Dragonwagon: the soothing sounds of #4 Smokey Don Pipes, Oklahoma shooting suspect, who steamrolled Dr. Suparman Marzuki and Twollie Vanderwerf in past rounds. He’s up against 7-seeded intergalactic warlord-queen Leila Bossy-Nobs, the nanoparticle researcher who vanquished Sincere Shears, Jackmeoff Mudd, and Fang Man. Each already has an impressive collection of trophies; which contestant will end the week on the other’s mantelpiece?


Trouble’s brewing down in the Chrotchtangle, as well. Top-seeded bank robber Fancy English, Jr. is a force to be reckoned with: more powerful than a Hurricane, tastier on the tongue than Waffles. Still, Leo Moses Spornstarr remains the man who claimed the bounty on rogue 14-seed Ram Amandeep. Don’t be fooled by the low seeding — Amandeep was a fan favorite, an anti-hero, a people’s champion. Now he’s a message: you don’t mess with a Spornstarr.


That’s it for this week. We’ll give you until Sunday to vote for the winners. After that: the Final Four, then the title match. The end is nigh.

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Filed under 2013 Dragonwagon Regional, 2013 Sithole Regional

Chrotchtangle Regional, Sweet Sixteen: #1 Fancy English, Jr. vs. #4 Fitzroy Waffley, #14 Ram Amandeep vs. #2 Leo Moses Spornstarr

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The first of the Sweet Sixteen survivors in the Chrotchtangle is Fancy English, Jr., who knocked over a North Carolina bank in the seventies. In my mind’s eye, Fancy was the most genteel bank robber ever to hit the American South. He’s up against another noble name, Sir Fitzroy Waffley (he’s not actually a knight), who edged out Mister Love in the last round. Which will advance to the Elite Eight?


Meanwhile, Ram Amandeep has come far; he’s fresh off of two consecutive upsets. We admit he’s got pluck for a 14-seed. But his time may have run out; #2 Leo Moses Spornstarr tolerates no false idols.

And that’s the end of the Sweet Sixteen — we’re really getting down to the nitty gritty, people. Polls close on Sunday night as usual.

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Chrotchtangle Regional Round 2: #11 Magnus Moan vs. #14 Ram Amandeep, #7 Carlton Crunk vs. #2 Leo Moses Spornstarr

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There’s a lot to love at the bottom of the Chrotchtangle this round. The first match is a tale of two upsets: Olympic skier Magnus Moan defeated Skylar Stormo in Round 1, while #14 upstart Ram Amandeep took out 3-seed Champion Jointer. Real talk: the deciding factor in this round will be a question of how many people are still wringing cheap chuckles out of Ram Amandeep.


The final Round 2 runoff sees Leo Moses Spornstarr facing his first real competition in the form of Carlton Crunk. Both names are winners, but one must lose. Who will it be?


The Sweet Sixteen begins next week. Follow us on Twitter!

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Chrotchtangle Regional Round 1: #7 Carlton Crunk vs. #10 Flavius Walter Winsted, #2 Leo Moses Spornstarr vs. #15 Junior Lomomba

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We like it when you tweet at us.

Today’s contestants are the last of this year’s crop; from here, the playing field will only narrow.

First up is Carlton Crunk of Texas. We don’t know much about Carlton. With any luck, he wears a mullet — his name puts business in the front and party in the back. Personally, I can’t get over the image of one of TV’s most buttoned-up characters blowing off steam. A lot of steam.

Crunk is up against Maryland motorcycle thief Flavius Walter Winsted. Say it with me: Flavius Walter Winsted, Roman emperor on a stolen bike.

Carlton or FWW FTW?

As Sam mentioned yesterday, we at NOTY are flooded with emails, tweets, and suggestions that point us to names that amount to little more than obvious sex jokes — your Dick Pounds, your B.J. Cummings, your Long Wangs. We’ve become numb to this sort of easy gag; it takes something special for a dirty name to bring light to our jaded eyes. In this regard, Northwestern Wildcat Leo Moses Spornstarr has all the right intangibles. Innocuous start, religious figure, and then BOOM. It sneaks up on you.

Spornstarr’s opponent is Viking-turned-Friar Junior Lomomba. Junior, who plays small forward on the Providence College basketball team, is actually a sophomore. He’s “known as a physical player and strong on-ball defender.” On both these fronts, we can’t help but ask: more than a Spornstarr?


With that, we’ve officially introduced all our contenders. As always, voting ends Sunday at midnight. Next week, we’ll get started on Round 2, beginning in the Bulltron. Name on!

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