By our estimation McWisdom Badejo was an unlikely favorite, but he had a sizable cadre of supporters this round, nearly landing an upset against the fiercest Thai challenger this side of Ong-Bak. And Smokey Don Pipes, conqueror of Bossy-Nobs, had to grapple with giants to reach the summit of one of this year’s most competitive regions. Both are great names.
But this is the Internet, and the Internet is for porn. You, voter, have provided compelling evidence for the truism – the guts and glory of the past months aside, the fact is that the two names out of our 64 which contain a certain four-letter string are the two names left standing by popular consensus. Of course they are.
Not that they don’t deserve it. Pornsak and Spornstarr both have positively side-splitting names, and each has been shoved through a grueling onomastic wringer in his own region to emerge unscathed at the edge of the winner’s circle. So here it is, folks: the climax, the money shot, the pairing we’ve all been waiting for. The most exciting moment of 2013, some might say.
This is it. This is the week we’ve all been waiting for. The Final Four begins today, with the Final commencing on Thursday. GET HYPE…AND FOLLOW US ON TWITTER.
For a while, it seemed as if Pornsak Pongthong wouldn’t make it past the monumental challenge of Yolanda Squatpump. Ultimately, he was able to outlast her and become the Bulltron Regional’s Final Four representative. As the sole one seed remaining in the field, Pornsak has to be considered the odds-on favorite to emerge victorious.
That being said, each entrant in the Final Four has proved his name to be elite, and no favorite is safe. In order to make the final, Pornsak will have to get past McWisdom Badejo, who beat Baby Swinger in the Elite Eight and won the Sithole Regional. McWisdom has already toppled one top seed; will he make it two? Which athlete will prevail?
On the other side of the bracket, Smokey Don Pipes was able to move on thanks to the closest match of our tournament, which ended in a tie and had to be decided in a 90-minute overtime. Smokey Don’s victory is a reminder that every vote counts. If our overtime voters had preferred Leila Bossy-Nobs‘ chuckle-inducing last name to her opponent’s mellifluous moniker, the Frenchwoman would have completed an improbable run to the Final Four. Instead, Smokey Don represents the Dragonwagon Regional.
He is up against Leo Moses Spornstarr, who emerged victorious by a healthy margin over one-seed Fancy English, Jr. and will represent the Chrotchtangle Regional in the Final Four.Leo is one of three Final Four contestants aged 26 or younger; has NOTY become a young man’s game? Will Leo’s youth lead the way against the decidedly riper Smokey? You decide forthwith.
Well, after several weeks of upsets, scares, and near-misses, both the Bulltron and Sithole Regionals are now down to the top two seeds. Both are shaping up to be titanic struggles. As a reminder, we will post two matchups today, two tomorrow, and then give you guys the rest of the week to decide the Final Four. You’ve all done a great job so far (especially those of you who have followed us on Twitter.)
First up is our Clash of the Titans. It’s our Duke vs. Kentucky, our Nimpson vs. Bloodsaw, our Goku vs. Vegeta, our Lincoln vs. Douglas. In one corner: Pornsak Pongthong, Thai football defender, #1 seed, hotter than a plate of Pad Kee Mao. In the other: Yolanda Squatpump, ascendant challenger, The Usual Suspects makeup artist, and workout champion of the Bulltron. Only one of these names can reach the Final Four. Who will it be?
The Sithole regional’s two titans are also set for an absolute dogfight. Baby Swinger looked dead in the water against Norman Conquest, but she managed to swing the voting in her favor as if it were a newborn child. Now, she faces her hardest test yet: McWisdom Badejo, who has rolled through three rounds without being significantly tested. Methinks he’ll get his first challenge this week.
We began with 64 names. Now there are sixteen. By the end of this week, we will cut that number in half. As always, our Twitter will have all pertinent updates.
Top seed Pornsak Pongthong strolled past another opponent in Round 2. Bak Bak couldn’t slow down our Thai juggernaut; can Marijuana Warr? The woman who beat Narnia Overall in round 2 has a chance to make it 3 upsets in 3 rounds, but she’ll lose a lot of the sophomoric vote this time around.
The other half of the Bulltron Sweet Sixteen features Dr. David L. Dickensheets against Yolanda Squatpump. Dickensheets did well to win his doctor fight against Skyhawk Fadigan, M.D., but Yolanda is a woman on a mission. With two blowouts under her belt, she seems destined for a pitched Elite Eight battle against Mr. Pongthong. Still, she must be careful of a classic trap name in the Sweet Sixteen. Dr. Dickensheets is the clear underdog, but he’s a much stronger contender than Mrs. Squatpump’s round 2 victim, Ursula A. Hofacker. The doctor must not be taken lightly.
Round two is here! 32 names have been vanquished, but 32 champions can say they are five victories away from a Name of the Year title. Who will emerge as The One?
Perhaps it will be Pornsak Pongthong, the Thai footballer who vanquished Genius Dexter. His next opponent is University of California basketball player Bak Bak, who I’d guess is Chris Berman’s favorite candidate. The matchup is below.
Elsewhere, Narnia Overall is up against Marijuana Warr, who was one of the first round’s upset victors. It’s Warr vs. wardrobe, and it’s up for your consideration.
I was considering Sriracha sauce one day (as fans of spicy food often do) when I decided to look it up on Wikipedia to learn of its origins. This search was interrupted by a disambiguation page, which informed me that I might be looking for a Thai soccer team named Sriracha FC. Curious whether the team and the sauce were related, I clicked onward, where after a quick scan of the team’s roster I learned that oh my god, there is a Thai soccer player namedPornsak Pongthong.
This hopefully illustrates just how many amazing names are hiding just beyond our sight, waiting to be discovered on lightly-tread Wikipedia articles and obscure research papers and collegiate athletics databases. We’re not only excited about the names we’ve discovered in compiling this field, we’re also hopeful about the ones like mighty Pornsak who we’ll discover organically when we least expect it. When you have similar encounters, I hope you’ll let us know.
With that out of the way, let’s move on to this year’s contenders. With so many quality names, no matchup is a gimme, not even a 1 vs. 16. In this case, Pornsak’s first opponent is Genius Dexter. There’s something about the name Dexter that lends itself to greatness — after all, the two prominent TV characters with the name are both geniuses in their own way. We liked the combo, so we gave this Dexter a chance to beat the best — or get beaten by him.
Our second matchup of the day is the first of four 8 vs. 9 slugfests. As college basketball fans are aware, the 8-9 games in the NCAA tournament are usually the hardest to predict, with a collection of flashy Horizon League upstarts, toughened middle-of-the-pack Big Ten warriors and relatively unknown Western Athletic Conference champions squaring up for 40 minutes of hotly contested basketball. We hope today’s contest is similarly close.
Fittingly, both Bak Bak and Jawanza Poland came on our radar as college basketball players. Bak, who came off the bench for the University of California at Berkeley, is not the only athlete we’ve encountered whose first name matches his last. Other such contenders includeMajok Majok, Shayok Shayok, and Leek Leek. In the interest of variety we decided to include Bak and only Bak; his is the shortest, sweetest and most gallinaceous of the double names.
As for Poland, he was a standout at the University of South Florida who briefly gained national attention when he threw down a ferocious dunk in the NCAA Tournament against, coincidentally, Bak’s California Golden Bears. If this tournament was decided by athletic ability, Jawanza would no doubt take this matchup, but our measuring stick is a lot more esoteric. His name is a classic combo: bonkers first name, subdued yet interesting last name. There will be a lot of other NOTY contenders who follow this formula.
Does Genius Dexter have the smarts to overcome that pong, thong thong thong thong? And will Bak‘s invasion of Poland result in a complete takeover? Let us know what you think in the polls.