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Leo Moses Spornstarr is Your 2013 Name of the Year

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A champion has finally been named.

Okay, if you’re into semantics, Leo Moses Spornstarr was named twenty-some years ago. But as a commenter pointed out, there is no prior Spornstarr line, no Spornstarr family crest, no awkward yearly gatherings of Spornstarrs. Our champ is a thoroughly modern creature, the product of the commendably egalitarian but hopelessly naive union of a Sporn and a Starr.

On second thought, perhaps it’s a mistake to conjecture that the portmanteau was an accident. Who are we to assume that Leo’s folks are anything other than delightfully droll jokesters who jumped at their one-in-a-million onomastic opportunity? Who are we to rule out the possibility that the hyphen-free mashup was a well-intentioned parenting tactic, a contemporary Boy-Named-Sue situation? Who are we, dear reader, to dismiss the idea that Ms. Sporn and Mr. Starr had ambitions for their son’s performance in this very tournament — which has after all been around longer than he has? However it came about, our Leo may be the only Spornstarr in the world. The only Spornstarr in history, even. We don’t know if he has siblings.

Let’s recap: the 2-seed out of the Chrotchtangle Regional manhandled #15 Junior Lomomba and crushed #7 Carlton Crunk. He dispatched upstart 14-seed Ram Amandeep in the Sweet Sixteen without much fuss, proving that the best way to take down a bawdy name is with another bawdy name. He brought down the top-seeded Fancy English, Jr. in the Elite Eight. In the final four, Smokey Don Pipes of the Dragonwagon went up in flames. And as of last night, Leo secured his place in the history books by vanquishing Bulltron powerhouse Pornsak Pongthong. Here’s to you, Leo.

(Sidenote: the one-point margin in the poll is artificially close; the actual differential is closer to 60 votes. Our analytics show that a lone rogue voter tried to inflate Pornsak’s score after midnight but before I closed the poll. Improbably and miraculously, I noticed just in time, with one vote left before the scales tipped. Ugly crisis of second-guessing legitimacy averted — but don’t do that, people. Play fair: one vote per voter.)

Aside from that unsavory hiccup, thank you all for following along, voting, and making our first shift at the helm of the tourney a rousing success. We’ll be back for March Madness in 2014. Name on.

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2013 Name of the Year Title Match: Pornsak Pongthong vs. Leo Moses Spornstarr

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Of course.

By our estimation McWisdom Badejo was an unlikely favorite, but he had a sizable cadre of supporters this round, nearly landing an upset against the fiercest Thai challenger this side of Ong-Bak. And Smokey Don Pipes, conqueror of Bossy-Nobs, had to grapple with giants to reach the summit of one of this year’s most competitive regions. Both are great names.

But this is the Internet, and the Internet is for porn. You, voter, have provided compelling evidence for the truism – the guts and glory of the past months aside, the fact is that the two names out of our 64 which contain a certain four-letter string are the two names left standing by popular consensus. Of course they are.

Not that they don’t deserve it. Pornsak and Spornstarr both have positively side-splitting names, and each has been shoved through a grueling onomastic wringer in his own region to emerge unscathed at the edge of the winner’s circle. So here it is, folks: the climax, the money shot, the pairing we’ve all been waiting for. The most exciting moment of 2013, some might say.

On the left: Pornsak Pongthong, Sriracha FC defensive midfielder.
On the right: Leo Moses Spornstarr, aspiring actuary.

Which will be 2013’s Name of the Year? The choice is yours.

Voting ends Sunday. Follow us on Twitter. Also, check out this statement from the original NOTY High Committee.

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Filed under 2013 Bulltron Regional, 2013 Chrotchtangle Regional

Please Welcome Your 2013 Name of the Year Final Four

Wow.

It took four incredibly close battles, but we have our Final Four. One matchup came down to a single vote, and another was tied at midnight and had to be decided in overtime.

Pornsak Pongthong hadn’t been remotely challenged before taking on Yolanda Squatpump, and early voting had him behind the Usual Suspects crew member. Not to be outdone, Pornsak pulled off a classic March Madness comeback (in November), stormed past Squatpump, and took the victory by 22 votes. He’s the last one seed standing.

At our usual midnight endpoint, Smokey Don Pipes and Leila Bossy-Nobs were dead even. 230 votes for the Oklahoman criminal, 230 votes for the French scientist. By 1:30, Leila’s vote count remained stagnant, but Smokey Don had picked up another four votes, garnering him the perhaps the most nail-biting, hard-won victory of the year and the chance to represent the Dragonwagon in the Final Four. Leila, you will be dearly missed.

Leo Moses Spornstarr had the most decisive victory of the Elite Eight, easily outpacing top seeded Fancy English, Jr. by a margin of 92 votes. We’re sad to see Fancy go, but a penchant for impeccable grammar will hopefully live on.

Finally, basketball player McWisdom Badejo pulled off the NOTY version of a buzzer beater, topping Baby Swinger by a single vote. Badejo fans will cherish this victory for their entire lives, while Swinger supporters will hastily change the channel whenever the matchup is rebroadcast on ESPN Classic.

The Final Four will run from Monday to Thursday. On Friday, the final will begin. Right now we’re planning on letting it run through Sunday, though perhaps we will extend it a couple days to be thorough. You can help us out by voting at this most critical moment.

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Filed under 2013 Bulltron Regional, 2013 Chrotchtangle Regional, 2013 Dragonwagon Regional, 2013 Sithole Regional

Sweet Sixteen Results

We thinned our flock by half again this week. Gone are the lazy days of warmer months: the competition is getting fiercer as we separate ever more chaff from the wheat in search of the cream of this year’s crop. If I could work in a fourth agricultural metaphor, I would.

In the Bulltron regional:

#1 Pornsak Pongthong smoked 13-seed Marijuana Warr. I’ve been waiting two rounds to make that joke. It feels anticlimactic.

#2 Yolanda Squatpump barreled through #6 Dr. David L. Dickensheets. Pongthong/Squatpump should be a banner match this week.

In the Sithole regional:

Top-seeded Baby Swinger was down at the beginning of the week but rallied in the end for a close come-from-behind victory over #5 Norman Conquest.

2-seed McWisdom Badejo defeated #6 Pooky Amsterdam.

The Dragonwagon Regional was full of upsets:

#4 Smokey Don Pipes took down 1-seed Dr. Suparman Marzuki like a dimebag of Kryptonite. I am elated.

7-seeded Leila Bossy-Nobs‘ momentum hasn’t let up one bit; challenger #3 Sincere Shears fell far short of securing a place in the Elite Eight.

In the Chrotchtangle regional:

Top-seeded Fancy English, Jr. overcame #4 Fitzroy Waffley without much trouble.

In another come-from-behind victory, #2 Leo Moses Spornstarr dispatched 14-seed Ram Amandeep. Don’t scare me like that again.

There are no longer enough matches per round to fill an entire week. We’ll continue apace with the Elite Eight — two matchups tomorrow and two on Tuesday — but then we’ll leave you until the end of the week to get your votes in. As always, keep up with us on Twitter.

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Filed under 2013 Bulltron Regional, 2013 Chrotchtangle Regional, 2013 Dragonwagon Regional, 2013 Sithole Regional

Dragonwagon/Chrotchtangle Round 2 Results, Updated Bracket

Click to enlarge.

Click to enlarge.

First order of business: the battlefield has grown bloodier since we began Round 2. The survivors are shown above.

Here’s the Dragonwagon postgame:

Top-seeded Dr. Suparman Marzuki vanquished another foe. Another one bites the Dusty Rust.

#4 Don Pipes smoked his competition, 5-seed Twollie Vanderwerf. Happy twails, Twollie.

6-seed Gorby Loreus was toppled by #3 Boris Yeltsin Sincere Shears.

Finally, 7-seed Leila Bossy-Nobs upset 2-seed Jackmeoff Mudd. Sam and I are actually ecstatic about this. Given the strength of the voter response to easy grins like Ram Amandeep and Marijuana Warr, we had feared at the beginning that Jackmeoff might win his region (and perhaps the entire tourney) with a bullet. This week, you proved you’re better than that. You did it, you guys. We did it.

In the Chrotch:

1-seed Fancy English, Jr. rocked Mr. Weathers like a Hurricane.

14-seed Ram Amandeep, purveyor of the grins mentioned above, upset 11-seed Magnus Moan.

In the week’s closest matchup, #4 Fitzroy Waffley squeaked by upstart 12-seed Mister Love.

Finally, 2-seed Leo Moses Spornstarr won out over #7 Carlton Crunk.

Sweet Sixteen tomorrow. Get ready.

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Filed under 2013 Chrotchtangle Regional, 2013 Dragonwagon Regional

Bulltron/Sithole Round 2 Results

We’re picking up the pace and kicking up the bass here at NOTY headquarters. Two regions down, two to go in the second round of the tourney.

In the Bulltron:

1-seed Pornsak Pongthong continues to rip through his competition like a machine, leaving nothing more of #8 Bak Bak than a plaintive squawk and a cloud of feathers.

#13 Marijuana Warr chalked up another upset, this time against 5-seed Narnia Overall. Apparently stoners have stronger numbers in our readership than C.S. Lewis fans do.

#6 David L. Dickensheets won the doctor fight! Sorry, #3 Skyhawk Fadigan.

Powerhouse 2-seed Yolanda Squatpump made short work of #10 Ursula A. Hofacker. We should be in for a doozy of an Elite Eight match if Pongthong and Squatpump both make it past the next round.

In the Sithole:

#1 Baby Swinger bested #8 Octavia Sheepshanks, although Sheepshanks put up a good fight.

#5 Norman Conquest narrowly upset 4-seed Konockus Sashington. Conquest/Swinger should be tight.

#6 Pooky Amsterdam beat upstart 14-seed Florence Fabricant in a clean three-to-one sweep.

2-seed McWisdom Badejo roundly trounced #10 Syndric Steptoe.

This week: Fraggin’ in the Dragonwagon! Tangle in the Chrotch! Tune in via Twitter.

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Filed under 2013 Bulltron Regional, 2013 Sithole Regional

Chrotchtangle Regional Round 1 Results

After chalk ruled the Dragonwagon, the Chrotchtangle was marked by upsets left and right.

As we expected, #16 Patron Steele was no match for #1 Fancy English, Jr.

#9 Hurricane Weathers stormed past #8 Sparkle McKnight

#12 Mister Love pulled a comfortable upset over #5 Bonanza Sharp.

#4 Fitzroy Waffley closed his iron on #13 Mythius Gaither.

#11 Magnus Moan also emerged from his matchup as an upset victor, defeating #6 Skylar Stormo

#14 Ram Amandeep pulled off one final upset, dropping #3 Champion Jointer. We really think you guys got that one wrong.

#7 Carlton Crunk topped #10 Flavius Walter Winsted. YEAH!

The last matchup of the first round was also the most decisive. Poor #15 Junior Lomomba barely managed to reach a double-digit vote count as he was absolutely pantsed by #2 Leo Moses Spornstarr. Leo looks to be a strong contender going into round 2, which begins tomorrow in the Bulltron.

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