Four seed Smokey Don Pipes may be the nominal underdog in our first matchup of the day, but the Oklahoman has looked like a top contender through two rounds. After a round one walk, he pasted Twollie Vanderwerf last week in a one-sided wout. His Sweet Sixteen opponent, Dr. Suparman Marzuki, took down Dusty Rust in his last matchup, but the Indonesian politician is in for a dogfight this time around. I’m half-expecting him to fly backwards around the Earth a couple times so he can spam the site with votes for Twollie.
Elsewhere, Leila Bossy-Nobs will try to become the first double digit seed to make this year’s Elite Eight after her shocking defeat of Jackmeoff Mudd. I’m on the record as a huge fan of hers, so I’m glad to see her spring a pair of upsets. That being said, I won’t be unhappy if she falls to Sincere Shears, who won a tough battle last round against strong six seed Gorby Loreus. May the best name win.
This week, DragWag 3-seed Sincere Shears is up against erstwhile Middle Tennessee defensive end Gorby Loreus (#6). Shears is ranked higher, but the marvelous mellifluity of Gorby Loreus makes an upset a very real possibility. Who will go on?
Today’s other matchup should also be contentious. Leila Bossy-Nobs‘ first-round rout of Fang Man, who had the support of the commentariat, indicates that she may have further victories in store — even against a heavy such as #2 Jackmeoff Mudd, whose margin of victory over 15-seed Onochie Ochie could be seen as surprisingly slim. Are Leila’s nobs bossy enough?
Our competitors have a lot of common, at least on the field of name. Both are athletes. Both need to be said aloud to maximize the joy they evoke. And both are perfect names — there’s nothing more you can ask of a name like Gorby Loreus or Myck Kabongo, no slight tweak that would improve them.
Originally a Canadian, Kabongo went undrafted in the 2013 NBA draft; he signed last month with San Antonio and will likely play with the Austin Toros, a Spurs-affiliated D-League team. We really hope his favorite N64 title was Banjo-Kazooie.
The most salient point about Loreus is that he entered college in 2008, meaning he would have been born around the time Mikhail Gorbachev was coming to power in the USSR. We can’t help but speculate that Gorby’s name may have been inspired by the chants during Gorbachev’s June 1989 visit to West Germany.
Who wins the Loreus/Kabongo battle?
Today also sees the appearance of Sincere Shears, who should probably consider a hairdressing career. He’d be my go-to for frank barbershop conversation.
Shears is up against Twinkle Andress Cavanaugh. Twinkle is the president of the Alabama Public Service Commission, a regulatory agency that controls the rates of utilities including electricity.
Will Twinkle shine brightly enough to escape a Shears victory? Only YOU can decide!