This is it. This is the week we’ve all been waiting for. The Final Four begins today, with the Final commencing on Thursday. GET HYPE…AND FOLLOW US ON TWITTER.
For a while, it seemed as if Pornsak Pongthong wouldn’t make it past the monumental challenge of Yolanda Squatpump. Ultimately, he was able to outlast her and become the Bulltron Regional’s Final Four representative. As the sole one seed remaining in the field, Pornsak has to be considered the odds-on favorite to emerge victorious.
That being said, each entrant in the Final Four has proved his name to be elite, and no favorite is safe. In order to make the final, Pornsak will have to get past McWisdom Badejo, who beat Baby Swinger in the Elite Eight and won the Sithole Regional. McWisdom has already toppled one top seed; will he make it two? Which athlete will prevail?
On the other side of the bracket, Smokey Don Pipes was able to move on thanks to the closest match of our tournament, which ended in a tie and had to be decided in a 90-minute overtime. Smokey Don’s victory is a reminder that every vote counts. If our overtime voters had preferred Leila Bossy-Nobs‘ chuckle-inducing last name to her opponent’s mellifluous moniker, the Frenchwoman would have completed an improbable run to the Final Four. Instead, Smokey Don represents the Dragonwagon Regional.
He is up against Leo Moses Spornstarr, who emerged victorious by a healthy margin over one-seed Fancy English, Jr. and will represent the Chrotchtangle Regional in the Final Four.Leo is one of three Final Four contestants aged 26 or younger; has NOTY become a young man’s game? Will Leo’s youth lead the way against the decidedly riper Smokey? You decide forthwith.
We’ve got two potential nail-biters on today’s docket, folks, as well we should; two coveted Final Four slots are on the line.
Repping the north side of the Dragonwagon: the soothing sounds of #4 Smokey Don Pipes, Oklahoma shooting suspect, who steamrolled Dr. Suparman Marzuki and Twollie Vanderwerf in past rounds. He’s up against 7-seeded intergalactic warlord-queen Leila Bossy-Nobs, the nanoparticle researcher who vanquished Sincere Shears, Jackmeoff Mudd, and Fang Man. Each already has an impressive collection of trophies; which contestant will end the week on the other’s mantelpiece?
Trouble’s brewing down in the Chrotchtangle, as well. Top-seeded bank robberFancy English, Jr. is a force to be reckoned with: more powerful than a Hurricane, tastier on the tongue than Waffles. Still, Leo Moses Spornstarr remains the man who claimed the bounty on rogue 14-seed Ram Amandeep. Don’t be fooled by the low seeding — Amandeep was a fan favorite, an anti-hero, a people’s champion. Now he’s a message: you don’t mess with a Spornstarr.
That’s it for this week. We’ll give you until Sunday to vote for the winners. After that: the Final Four, then the title match. The end is nigh.
Four seed Smokey Don Pipes may be the nominal underdog in our first matchup of the day, but the Oklahoman has looked like a top contender through two rounds. After a round one walk, he pasted Twollie Vanderwerf last week in a one-sided wout. His Sweet Sixteen opponent, Dr. Suparman Marzuki, took down Dusty Rust in his last matchup, but the Indonesian politician is in for a dogfight this time around. I’m half-expecting him to fly backwards around the Earth a couple times so he can spam the site with votes for Twollie.
Elsewhere, Leila Bossy-Nobs will try to become the first double digit seed to make this year’s Elite Eight after her shocking defeat of Jackmeoff Mudd. I’m on the record as a huge fan of hers, so I’m glad to see her spring a pair of upsets. That being said, I won’t be unhappy if she falls to Sincere Shears, who won a tough battle last round against strong six seed Gorby Loreus. May the best name win.
Another top seed is under fire as Dr. Suparman Marzuki moves past his triumph over Dickie Lee Hullinghorst to battle Dusty Rust, the dispatcher of Blaze Caponegro. Suparman has few weaknesses, but Mr. Rust may be able to exploit one of them if his dust happens to be of the crushed-up kryptonite variety. Can the Louisianian college football player pull the upset?
Elsewhere, Smokey Don Pipes will look to follow up his commanding round one victory over Dreamius Smith by taking out Twollie Vanderwerf. Smokey Don seems like an awfully strong four seed at this point; he’s the 2013 Michigan Wolverines of our bracket. Twollie, who previously outlasted Necho Beard, is simply a Minnesota man whose name was submitted by his wife. He may not have the bravado of his opponent, but he has the modest backstory needed to spin a textbook David vs. Goliath tale.
Twollie will have to fight off another one of those pesky college football players. Necho Beard, a defensive back for the University of Nevada, has made our field as a 12 seed despite only sporting a goatee, not a full beard. We’ll give him half credit since we can assume that, as with most rational human beings, he enjoys nachos, thus living up to at least half of his name.
Will Twollie Vanderwerf trim Necho Beard? The poll is below.
The third name of the day seems to be picking up steam on the Twitters as a legitimate title hopeful. Unfortunately, Smokey Don Pipes is neither a jazz musician nor a gambling kingpin but rather a shooting suspect from Tulsa. Had Smokey been born in the 19th century, his name could’ve made put him on his way to becoming the fastest gun in the west. As it stands, he’ll have to settle for being one of the strongest contenders in our field.
Smokey’s first matchup pits him against Dreamius Smith, a University of West Viriginia running back and JuCo transfer. Dreamius started his career at Butler Community College in Kansas, but his Dreamius of playing Division I college Footballius was only deferred, as he arrived in Morgantown last year. His name may not be the most interesting entry in our field, but I urge to say it in a stock football announcer voice before writing him off completely.
Will Dreamius go up in smoke against Mr. Pipes? You decide.