Tag Archives: Yolanda Squatpump

Bulltron/Sithole Regionals, Elite Eight: #1 Pornsak Pongthong vs. #2 Yolanda Squatpump, #1 Baby Swinger vs. #2 McWisdom Badejo

Well, after several weeks of upsets, scares, and near-misses, both the Bulltron and Sithole Regionals are now down to the top two seeds. Both are shaping up to be titanic struggles. As a reminder, we will post two matchups today, two tomorrow, and then give you guys the rest of the week to decide the Final Four. You’ve all done a great job so far (especially those of you who have followed us on Twitter.)

First up is our Clash of the Titans. It’s our Duke vs. Kentucky, our Nimpson vs. Bloodsaw, our Goku vs. Vegeta, our Lincoln vs. Douglas. In one corner: Pornsak Pongthong, Thai football defender, #1 seed,  hotter than a plate of Pad Kee Mao. In the other: Yolanda Squatpump, ascendant challenger, The Usual Suspects makeup artist, and workout champion of the Bulltron. Only one of these names can reach the Final Four. Who will it be?

The Sithole regional’s two titans are also set for an absolute dogfight. Baby Swinger looked dead in the water against Norman Conquest, but she managed to swing the voting in her favor as if it were a newborn child. Now, she faces her hardest test yet: McWisdom Badejo, who has rolled through three rounds without being significantly tested. Methinks he’ll get his first challenge this week.

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Bulltron Regional, Sweet Sixteen: #1 Pornsak Pongthong vs. #13 Marijuana Warr, #6 David L. Dickensheets vs. #2 Yolanda Squatpump

We began with 64 names. Now there are sixteen. By the end of this week, we will cut that number in half. As always, our Twitter will have all pertinent updates.

Top seed Pornsak Pongthong strolled past another opponent in Round 2. Bak Bak couldn’t slow down our Thai juggernaut; can Marijuana Warr? The woman who beat Narnia Overall in round 2 has a chance to make it 3 upsets in 3 rounds, but she’ll lose a lot of the sophomoric vote this time around.

The other half of the Bulltron Sweet Sixteen features Dr. David L. Dickensheets against Yolanda Squatpump. Dickensheets did well to win his doctor fight against Skyhawk Fadigan, M.D., but Yolanda is a woman on a mission. With two blowouts under her belt, she seems destined for a pitched Elite Eight battle against Mr. Pongthong. Still, she must be careful of a classic trap name in the Sweet Sixteen. Dr. Dickensheets is the clear underdog, but he’s a much stronger contender than Mrs. Squatpump’s round 2 victim, Ursula A. Hofacker. The doctor must not be taken lightly.

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Bulltron Regional Round 2: #6 Dr. David L. Dickensheets vs. #3 Skyhawk Fadigan, M.D.; #10 Ursula A. Hofacker vs. #2 Yolanda Squatpump

Listen up, y’all, you’re about to witness something many men don’t see in a lifetime. Button your britches, circle the wagons and bring out the bubbly: we done got ourselves a doctor fight.

In one corner: David L. Dickensheets, infectious disease specialist. In the other: Skyhawk Fadigan, family practitioner. Who will live to battle another day?


The final Bulltron matchup this round begins with Ursula A. Hofacker, chemistry lecturer. She’ll be facing Usual Suspects makeup artist Yolanda Squatpump. No matter who wins, we’re going to see a vowel-heavy woman facing somebody with a medical degree next round.

The fun part of the tournament is getting underway — champions have emerged from the fold, making for more heated matchups. Follow us on Twitter for all the action as it develops.

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Bulltron Regional, Round 1: #7 Seventh Woods vs. #10 Ursula A. Hofacker, #2 Yolanda Squatpump vs. #15 Tore A. Torp

Squats

OK, we’ll admit that we would have given Seventh Woods a 7-seed even if he belonged in the lower tiers, but the 14-year-old high school basketball star fits nicely in the middle of the field. His name comes from the day when God finished his work. If only he played golf.

In an actual March Madness bracket, Woods would be a lock until meeting fellow baller Bak Bak in the Elite Eight, showily posterizing everyone on the way. But dominance on the court doesn’t help one’s fortune in the onomastic arena. Woods has to deal with some fierce competition brought by Chemical Experimentation author Ursula A. Hofacker. Like her name, her textbook apparently “leave[s] little to the student’s imagination.”

Who will prevail: the youngest point guard on Team USA or a chemistry lecturer seasoned by years of surreptitiously sniggering students? YOU decide!


On the other side of the field we have Yolanda Squatpump, Usual Suspects makeup artist and our strongest last-minute addition. It’s easy to see how a young mother trying to decide what goes with “Squatpump” would eventually throw up her hands, grit her teeth and go for the gold. However it happened, we’re blessed to bask in the knowledge that such a name exists.

She’s up against Tore Torp, middle name Andreas, who holds a patent for a “Process and System for Recovering and Storing a Light Hydrocarbon Vapor from Crude Oil.” The word “slurry” appears often. Torp shares both name and nationality with Norwegian hockey player and 2011 10-seed Tore Vikingstad, but trades badass for singsong on the surname, giving him a fundamentally different appeal.

Will Tore Torp tear through enough voters’ torpor to vanquish the mighty Squatpump? Only time will tell.


With that, we’re done laying out the first round of the first region. All voting for Bulltron Round 1 ends Sunday, so make up your mind by then. We’ll be back to present the Sithole Regional on Monday; in the meantime, follow @NOTYtourney for sporadic pithy updates.

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